Stevie's AA Speech
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As of Oct. 13, 1988 A very special thing
happened that saved the life of two of my good
friends. Stevie Ray and Tommy Shannon went
through the AA program and graduated Clean and
sober. Sobriety means something everyday for the
rest of ones life. I am very proud of Stevie and
Tommy and I know without this program we would
have lost them both. Life has it's strange
things and yes, our Stevie was taken a few years
later. But not before all the guys had reclaimed
the gift they had been given and appreciated all
who stood by them and it was back to life and
the music they all loved. Tommy goes each and
every year and picks up a chip and I believe he
use to pick up a chip for Stevie. I believe they
have given Stevie a Life time chip and Oct. 13, 2006 / 20 years is a date that all should
look at remember and appreciate what these very
strong men had to get down to do. Sobriety is
special, it allows those who make it to take
back control and embrace those who love them and
life itself. I for one as a friend can only
again be in awe of my Buddies. I love them all
and for one I see this date as a special day in
their lives. Love Cee.
Below is a copy of Stevie's speech. I hope you
take a moment and read all this and feel that
life itself is a wondrous thing. Cee.
Page One
Hello everybody. I'm Stevie and I am an
alcoholic, and an addict and I too am nervous. I
am sober today by the grace of God and that is
the only way I know of. Everything I've done got
me here. I know that ah, a lot of, a lot of what
got me here was also the grace of God 'cause I
couldn't have ah, couldn't have needed the
questions or had the questions.I don't think
that ah, that I try to find out the answers to
these days, without the grace of God. I started
off my drinking and using career, oh I
guess...early 60's, when I was somewhere around
seven or eight years old. I grew up in an
alcoholic family. My father was an alcoholic,
and even though I saw the problems that alcohol
caused in our family, I still found it
attractive for some reason. I don't know what
that was, I thought I was missing something. I
was always a kid who was afraid I was gonna miss
something. Somewhere along the line, I started
trying to ah, find out why my father would go
back and continue to drink, even though every
time he did I saw what happened, which was, big
fights--you know, violence. We were always real
scared of him. But he continued to do it anyway.
I never, I never did understand what that was,
until one day a few years later, I realized that
I wasn't doing anything any differently other
than making a little bit more money and I'd
added a few drugs to it, you know. Ahmm, I guess
about seven or eight years old, I started
stealing drinks either ah...well, my parents
used to have these, these "42" parties, and
quite a few people would come over an' they'd be
havin' their Tom Collins or whatever, you know.
And when somebody wasn't looking, I'd take one
of the drinks and run to the kitchen, you know,
an' make them a new one. And ah, [laughs]
refresh their drink, you know. It's just that I
would refresh my memory about what it tasted
like a lot of the time. I never really...I never
really thought that it tasted very good or
anything. And then, then one day I tried, I
tried to ah, make myself a drink out of my dad's
bourbon that was in the freezer. It didn't taste
very good either. I guess it was the wrong brand
or something, I don't know. But somewhere along
the line, I started finding that attractive
somehow. About the same time, I went to an ear,
nose and throat doctor who, it was general
practice with him when, when you went in for him
to take a look up your nose he would squirt you
full of what I later found out was a strong
solution of liquid cocaine. And I never really
knew why my face was numb when I left there, and
why I felt a little different, but I later on
found out that I didn't know how to breathe
without the stuff. 'Cause it was in the nose
spray he gave me...the first bottle said 'use
once every 24 hours', the second bottle said
'use two or three sprays every 12 hours', and
Page Two
the next one said 'use as needed'. And...I did.
[laughs]
But...I guess as I was going into junior high,
it was when I started, when I really started to
tryin' to drink. We had moved to Graham, Texas,
and I really didn't wanna go...at all. Ah, I
had, I had gotten into the first band that I
really wanted to be in and really excited about
it, and we had to move and I had to give up
everything, including my way. We got to Graham
and ah, my parents had told me we were gonna be
there for about six weeks and that was...about
six weeks into the sixth month that we stayed
there. While I was going to school, actually the
first day I went to school there in Graham,
Texas just to show you what kinda...how much I
liked it, I got kicked out of school three times
the first day. [group laughs] And ah, I didn't
even do anything...I just went to school, and
they didn't like how my belt was, or they didn't
like how my hair was cut, twice. And ah, I real
quick found this guy that sold, that sold
Alka-Seltzer bottles full of, full of sour mash,
and I continued to find him every day you know,
even though I didn't like how it tasted or
anything, it just kinda helped me smooth along,
you know. 'Cause there wasn't really anything I
wanted there...I'd get beat up all the time and,
and there wasn't anybody to play any music with.
We stayed there for about six months, and
finally I just told my parents that I wasn't
going back to school anymore. And that ended up
being about the same time we moved back to
Dallas. Back to Dallas for me was...I didn't
realize what I was doing at the time, but really
all I, all I really was doing here at the time
was...well, I was trying to play music and
everything but...but the main thing I was doing
was hanging out with the kids down the street,
and what they did all the time was see how they
get high this way or that way, you know. And I
thought that...all I was doing was just trying
to be in with the people, you know with these
kids. What I was really doing was learning how
to get high and stay high, all the time...and
run away from what was going on. Which was
ah...I guess what was going on really was that
ah, you know people grow up and they learn
things about livin' life an' ah, and grow. I
didn't ah, that never dawned on me, I just
thought you just kinda went from day to day an'
you got older and then things happened and you
graduate and...or quit school, or whatever. At
any rate, I learned ah...I just learned how to
bag glue and how to, how to figure out this pill
was this kind and this was that kind an'...if
you hit real hard on this joint you might get a
buzz, usually I was scared to do though, at the
time. The thing was, is...that was the only
thing I knew how to do. The only thing I knew
how to do, was just try to, try to get by, every
day. I wasn't really learning anything about
livin' life.
Page Three
There was really no information at home. 'Cause
I couldn't...it was pretty violent at my house,
I couldn't go and ask my dad about things.
Ah...I couldn't go ask my dad about, about
school, or about girls or about anything, 'cause
it was ah, it was pretty much "you're supposed
to know that stuff on your own"...or "just leave
me alone." "Is that your stuff?...get it out of
the room", you know. So I ah...I just continued
to try to find out things from the kids down the
street. That wasn't the way to really go--I
didn't know that. What I did keep learning
though, was about, was about bands and
what...not to blame my drinking or anything on
bands, but I sure learned a lot about it there.
[laughs] 'Cause that was-- and still
is--unfortunately in a lot of places, that's
where a lot of the myth about "it's real neat to
get high", or "real cool to get high." That's
where I learned a lot of it. 'Cause a lot of the
people I really looked up to really knew how to
drink and really knew how to get high. And along
with every time I would get in a better band it
seemed like there were better drugs. [laughs]
And ah, a better brand of gin, or whatever, you
know. And I lways thought I had to keep up...I
just thought I had to keep up. Why that was, I
don't know. I would see ah, I would see someone,
who I really cared about and know that
they...this is a pattern that's gone on most of
my life and I still don't understand why it's
attractive to me, or has been. I would see
someone who I really cared for and loved and
that they couldn't do anything unless they were
shooting something, and I would see that it
would be literally killing them...and that would
be a good reason for me to try it. I don't
know...I don't understand that. That's
what...that's the pattern that I've developed. I
saw it with my father, I saw it with very close
friends and I've seen it with people who are no
longer alive, you know. I'm glad to say I am not
doing that any more...because there was a stage
in my life where I got into experimenting. Not
like I thought experimenting was in the first
place, but 'what happens to you if you do this
much?', you know. There was a time in my life
when a normal day would be to pull out whatever
I could get my hands on and do it all at once.
It wasn't 'do it till it was gone', it was 'do
it all right then'. And it would be enough to
kill somebody. But for some reason, that was
what I did. And I would sit there and go, 'well
this is what happens', you know, and stay alive
somehow. And I got it in my head that, that was
ah, I don't know somewhere along the line I got
this verse, or it's not even a verse, it's just
something in the Bible, where ah, in the last
days, people would be trying to kill themselves
and can't.
Page Four
And that's what I thought I was doing, I think.
For some reason I thought I couldn't die. I
guess that's that Superman deal that we get.
Through the years, all this progressed and I
just got to where ah, everything I was doing was
on a road to killing me. The only thing that I
was doing that wasn't destructive was trying to
play music. I still cared about someday finding
something
that meant something to me...inside...and with
another person or with other people. I still
cared about growing somehow. But, bit by bit,
all of that was all going somewhere in the past
where I couldn't reach it anymore. It was like
ah, it was like something I couldn't reach
anymore...something that I just could dream
about. And the things that I was doing every day
were more like a trudge just to keep, keep
going, because I didn't know how to stop
anything I was doing or the predicaments I was
in. Then one day about, close to three and a
half years ago, I started realizing that I could
not live on the way I was going, but I could not
stop either. I didn't know how to stop, and I
knew that I couldn't keep going. That was a real
strange place to be, for me...'cause I literally
could not imagine the next day without a big bag
of dope and a several bottles of whiskey. I
thought that ah, literally what I thought was
that I would go on doing that until I died, and
then it would be a lot better, because I
wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. And in my
mind that seemed like a real good solution.
Because I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore,
but the people that I was mad at would. I don't
know why that seemed so neat to me. I don't know
why I was that mad at people, you
know. I guess I was probably mad at
myself-that's really what it was. 'Cause to be
honest, at the time I thought those people were
really trying to get revenge on me, or whatever.
And that's why they did the things that they
were doing. And really, the truth of the matter
was that I was just trying to get revenge on
people that I couldn't understand, you know. But
instead of doing it till I died, what happened
was ah, I collapsed...and just gave up. It
was...it was funny, 'cause I saw it coming for a
while. And the reason that I wouldn't let go and
give up that fight in the first place is because
of what other people would think. You know, what
they would think, not that ah, they would find
out that I was getting loaded or not that they
would find out how bad off I had gotten, but
that they would think that I was weak...because
I gave up. And ah, it took a lot to find out
that that was the stronger thing to do...was to
say "I can't do this anymore...
Page Five
I have to live instead of die." So I woke up...I
got up and went to a friend of mine's hotel room
and I sat there shaking, and said, you know,
"this is what's going on" and ah, they called me
an ambulance, and we were in Germany at the time
and we, we went to this hospital and ah,
somehow, somehow I got the nerve to get out of
that hospital, real quick, because ah, I thought
it was kinda strange, they kept asking me
questions and then would ignore me when I
answered them. And ah, then it dawned on me that
they were speaking German. [group laughs] No
wonder they weren't listening, you know? [laughs
again] I did get out of there, and went to ah,
it was a couple of days later, but I ended up
going to a hospital, going to see a doctor in
London. He was someone that I'd heard of that I
knew that could do, could do some good and give
me some help. And he put me in a hospital for a
few days and ah, just kinda looked out after me
for a little bit...while he basically detoxed
me. I said basically detoxed me 'cause the guy
didn't have that, that conventional of an idea
of detox. It was ah, if I needed, if I really
needed a drink I could have one. If I really
thought I really needed a drink he thought I
should have one, within about a five day period.
Because he, just the way he looked at it and the
way he told me was "if you've been drinking for
25 years, you're not gonna stop in a minute."
Instead of giving me phenobarbital or whatever
it is they usually give you, he gave me...he
said, he just said "you can go have a drink
really need one over the next five days."
And in fact he gave me, he gave me a drink on my
birthday, which was in the hospital...little
bitty cup of champagne. What really happened
after that was I got out of the hospital and
flew back to the States to go to treatment, and
I tried to get drunk on the plane. It didn't
work. It didn't work. And what I had done was, I
went, this is pretty funny to me...I went to my
mother who...she had come over to see me in the
hospital...I called her up and said...I called
her and my
girlfriend and said "Look, I'm in the hospital
and this is what is going on". They both were
there the next day. And I am real grateful for
that, it means a lot to me. We were on our way
back over to the States and I'm sitting there
next to my mother and I didn't have any money so
I borrowed $20 to go buy some cigarettes on the
plane, and she knew there was no machine
[laughs], you know. [group laughs] I went and
tried to find out how many Crown Royals I could
get, you know. And ah, there is never enough. I
learned that a long time ago there's never
enough dope and there's never enough to drink.
There's either too much or not enough, you know.
There is never just enough. But I ah, I went and
tried, anyway. And I went back and felt, I found
that I felt guilty already. I am real good at
the guilt, you know. I went straight back to the
seat and sat down next to her, you know, like,
"this is the seat and sat down next to her, you
know, like, "this is the seat and sat down next
to her, you know, like, "this is what I did",
you know.
Page Six
And she went "I kinda knew that."the seat and
sat down next to her, you know, like, "this is
what I did", you know. And she went "I kinda
knew that." And ah, anyway, we went back, we
got, we got...we landed and ah, I went to a
hotel room and stayed there till the next
day...went into treatment. I didn't expect to
find out in treatment that that was one of the
coolest places I'd ever been. That's what I
found out, you know. It wasn't ah, what I
thought it was gonna to be at all. I went
through the regular stuff, you know... "what if
they find out I'm in here...who's 'they'"... you
know. [laughs] And...and I don't wanna be here
and all, and all that stuff, but once I, once I
got...once I started paying attention to what
was goin' on in treatment-to the recovery-it's
been something that I've really wanted ever
since. I've not always been real good at
sticking to a good strong program. I was just
trying to fix something else up to look the way
I want it to look, or to be the way I want it to
be...instead of working my way into livin' life.
But what I found in treatment was the same thing
that I find in a meeting when I'm in the right
place in my heart at a meeting, and that's a
bunch of people trying to help each other live
life, and grow in it. It's always been something
that I've wanted to know about and it's always
been something that I've wanted to do. It's not
always been something that I've done. Sometimes
I don't even know what 'grow' means. But it's
something that ah, I find every once in a
while...I find growth. And then I feel like me.
If that's not where I'm at, then I feel like a
shell, with a bunch of static going on. That's
really the way I feel. I know in the..in the
program...with AA, I've found the only real
lasting happiness that I've ever had. And it
lasts, whether I can really reach it or not. I
don't know if that makes sense to you or not,
but I know that it's there, even though I can't
always feel it. Because I know it's not out
of...it's not out of something that I've made or
bought, or conned somebody out of. It's
something that's bound to be real. And I see
it... I see it when I see other people come out
of a real hard place to be, into a more
comfortable place with themselves. I know that
must be growth. It's not just a new pair of
boots or something, you know? The hardest things
I have learned so far, I guess, is probably
letting go of my own way, getting my own
way...other people acting the way that I think
they should act, or looking the way that I think
they should look. I'm not out of that yet. It's
just...that's my way, you know, and my way is
not the right way necessarily, at all. And it's
hard to admit that. It's hard to admit that I
don't know it all...that's what I used to think.
I used to think that if it wasn't done my way,
that it was completely wrong and it couldn't be
anything close to right because you just didn't
know. I know it's kinda, it's...sometimes I
found out that it's real comfortable not knowing
everything...
Page Seven
not knowing anything, in fact. It's funny, I'm
real uncomfortable saying that right now.
[laughs] That's the truth! I don't know, I just
know that it...when I come to meetings, when I
take the time to pray, and to listen, and to
take a look at myself, and try to change that I
grow. And when I try to offer that to someone
else I feel better, and then I don't have any
need to drink, or to take any drugs. And if
that's what this program does, if that's all it
does, then it's helped me a whole lot. 'Cause
that's all I used to know was drinking and using
drugs. It's really all I knew. 'Cause I didn't
know how I felt and still don't always know how
I feel. A lot of times I ah, still find myself
confused about what I think and what I feel. I
don't know the difference very often. And that's
a scary place to be a lot of times. But slowly,
day by day, that's working out, it's working out
for the better. It's been ah, about three and a
half years I guess, close to three and a half
years since I've had to drink. And it struck me
New Year's Eve that to go and do what I had to
do New Year's Eve was a lot different this year
than I'd noticed it being in the past, you know.
Couple of years ago it was like this, last year
it was kind of a daze. I was sick but it was
kind of a daze. This year I was actually happy
to be alive and noticed that I didn't have to be
high to be up till five in the morning, or
whatever it was, you know. And that I could look
out and, and realize that I was starting a new
year, with new things to try to do...new things
to try to care about. And one of them was me,
and one of them was y'all, and what I'd do with
my life. Commitments, you know. Commitments has
been another thing I that I'd never been very
good at in my life. Oh, I can get caught up in
something real good, you know. I can get caught
up in the mirror, combing my hair, you know. Or
ah, [sighs] whatever. But commitments had not
been something that I'd been very good at.
'Cause I was more scared of making a commitment
than I was following it through. Then I realized
I am still alive now and, that's... that's an
amazing thing to me. When I was 17, I thought I
wouldn't make it to 21. When I made it to 21, I
thought something was...something's up, you
know? [laughs]
You know, 'what's going on here?' [laughs] Ah,
when I passed 30, I thought something's wrong.
[laughs] I don't know it's...I'm just glad to be
alive today...glad to be alive today. I don't
know, I don't have a whole lot to say about
anything, other than knowing that if I let this
program and if I let God do what He's gonna do
in my life, through you, or through
whatever...that it's a whole lot better than I
ever could have done it myself before I came to
this program. I thank y'all for letting me be
here with you. Whether I know what to say about
it or not, it means a lot to me, and I thank
you, okay?
Stevie.
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